My Master Cleanse Experience or How to Succeed at Starving Yourself without Really Trying

 

I have reached my breaking point. It took a long time to get there. If I am being completely honest It was about three years ago that I was at my ideal weight. I am 5’10”. I used to be 5’ 11” but I guess I shrunk. One of many life lessons I have learned. People shrink as they age. For too many years to count I felt invincible. I thought I would always look good and feel good. I could eat whatever I want and drink whenever I want and all would be well. It went on like that for my whole life. Sure I put on the freshman ten in college but everyone does. I lost it afterwards. I got chubby for a while before I got married and we did the cabbage soup diet together to look perfect at our wedding. That was gross. By the end of that diet if I even smelled cabbage soup I would throw up all over myself. Also I gained all the weight back that I lost two days after the wedding. 

 

So I left my ideal weight, 175, behind about three years ago. My life was active. Running a business kept me in shape. I worked. I unloaded my trucks and lifted the boxes full of merchandise. I ran around Boston to our retail locations and worked all day. I had a cup of coffee for breakfast and a modest dinner. That kept me in reasonably good shape. I was never into gyms. I hate them. I don’t like weight lifting and even if I did I definitely wouldn’t like doing it with strangers within feet of me. I don’t want to smell people or talk to people while I’m sweating and out of breath. If I need to exercise I like riding my bike, hiking, and generally being outdoors in nature. But as time went by the fall would come and eating season would start. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Eve then we would go to Florida and visit my parents. That meant 14 days of stuffing our faces. So Spring was for losing weight. However a funny thing started to happen as I got older. The weight didn’t come off. Soon I was 180. Then 185. I told myself that as long as I stayed below 190 I would be fine. Then I turned the dreaded 50!  My metabolism was slowing down and the beers and bags of Dorito’s were showing up on me and staying there. 

Age is a funny thing. It sneaks up on you. One day you’re skiing and scuba diving and strutting around like the world is your oyster. (I am going to stay away from food comparisons starting now) the next day you look at your feet in the shower and your back goes out. It isn’t easy accepting the fact that you aren’t the crazy kid you once were. But getting older doesn’t have to be a nightmare. There are many ways to stay in shape and keep looking and feeling great!

Then the Pandemic struck. 

That really was a game changer for me. Suddenly we were all stuck at home. You can’t be around other people and there are very few activities for fun and exercise. It was around this time I discovered my grill. I always loved cooking because I always loved eating. Food was one way to keep busy during the lockdown. Burgers, steak tips and more became a staple of our weekly meals. Next thing I knew I passed the dreaded 190. I was doing a LOT of eating and then I discovered Tiki drinks. Now I was eating AND drinking far too much. 

My daily Burger Fix

This Pandemic has been a lot of things. None of them good. We all have had to not only face our own mortality but also things like boredom and depression. I give us all a great deal of credit. We adapted. We survived. We will come out the end of this and we will be stronger for it. The only problem for me is that I am now 206 pounds. 

I can not be 206 pounds. This is not only unhealthy, it looks terrible. I have a belly for the first time in my life and as usual when I gain weight it goes straight to my face. Last Halloween I could easily have painted my face orange and laid on the stoop next to the other pumpkins and no one would have noticed me. I am fat. I think I reached my breaking point when I tried to put on some old jeans that I had for decades and couldn’t even get them past my knees. Houston! We got a problem here! 

Enter The Master Cleanse

I was on Facebook having a private chat with some college buddies and somehow the Master Cleanse came up. Two of them had done cleanses and were swearing by them. One of my friends said he did it every year to reset himself and get the excess holiday weight off. Literally bells went off in my head. I asked them to tell me everything they knew about this “cleanse”. It sounded like just the thing I was looking for. So what is it?

Basically you are starving yourself for a minimum of ten days. It is a fast. I have never done fasting before. As a bad Jew I don’t even fast on the high Holy day of Yom Kippur while all the good Jews are doing it. You bet your ass I helped to break the fast though.  I don’t know If I mentioned this before but I love food. Most people who know me would laugh at the thought of me not eating anything for ten days. The reason I know I can make it is twofold.

I do love challenging myself and I am going to document it publicly. That way it would be extra humiliating were I to fail. Failure is not an option. PLUS It isn’t an actual total fast. You put three different things into your body.

In the morning you drink a quart of water with two teaspoons of sea salt in it. This sends you running to the toilet where everything in your bowels comes pouring out of you. Your colon is clean! The major part of this particular diet is the Lemonade drink. You live on this for the duration. Here is what is in it:

You drink this about 6 to 10 times a day.

• 10 oz Water

• 2 tbsp. Of fresh squeezed lemon juice

• 2 tbsp. 0f organic grade A Maple syrup

• 1 tsp. Of cayenne pepper powder

Delicious! Well, maybe not but it could be worse. You can mix it up a little by swapping out lemons for limes or using molasses instead of the syrup but let’s face it, you are going to be starving. Oh and nightly you will be drinking this Laxative tea! YUMMY! Yes I know. Pooping is a huge part of this. I highly suggest putting some good games on your phone. I have Chess and Poker. Those are my Go-To jams for pooping. YouTube is good too. 

The three days leading up to this I ate nothing but Veggies the first day then nothing but juice getting my body ready for it. The book is called the Master Cleanser by Stanley Burroughs. It is more of a pamphlet really. It takes a half hour or less to read and it tells you what I just told you albeit in more detail and with far more explanation. Apparently the Master Cleanse has been around since the 40’s. The book was originally published in the 70’s. Millions of people have done it and lived to tell the tale. Even Beyonce did it and lost 20 pounds. So let’s go. Wish me luck. Hopefully I will make it. If not, the Pandemic bread & ice cream makers I recently bought are waiting right over there.

The Book Pamphlet

DAY ONE:

Weight: 206 lbs.

I started with the quart of sea salt water.

It works. My intestines emptied almost immediately

Drinking a quart of what smells like the ocean is hard. Really hard. It is a lot of water. I got it down though. Doing it every day is going to be torture.

I kept busy during the day and didn’t really feel that hungry until around 4PM. Then I made the Lemon/Maple Syrup/ Cayenne Pepper drink. It was actually delicious. I have to caution you if you do this though. The Cayenne pepper is spicy. It's not like a ghost pepper or anything but it does burn your mouth so be aware of that before you start dumping tablespoons in. Use it sparingly. I read someplace to use as much as you can take because supposedly it speeds up your metabolism and takes away hunger cravings. So of course my mouth was on fire. But in a good way. It really tastes delicious like lemonade with a kick. I ended up drinking a lot of it. I had 64 ounces total. According to the Master Cleanser book you are also supposed to have a cup of Organic Smooth Move Laxative tea before bed. (see pics) I did that too.  I went to sleep feeling full of liquid.

Yes I had to get up a few times in the night to get rid of some of that liquid. Try to empty your bladder before bed.

Don't forget your laxative tea!

DAY TWO:

Weight 201 lbs.

My growling stomach woke me up. I think the laxative tea had some effect on me. I drank the quart of sea salt water. This is definitely the hardest part of this so far. Luke warm salt water is gross. Chugging an ungodly amount right out of bed with no coffee was a trial. I did it.

So what is supposed to happen is that this drink flushes out your digestive system and your colon. Some places say that your intestines have years of gunked on stuff stuck to the sides. All the impurities and bad things making it hard to remove waste from your digestive system. I don’t know about any of that. What I do know is that for almost an hour I was “eliminating” lots and lots of “stuff” in liquid form. So take it from me. Do not go anywhere after drinking the salt water until you have a seat on the house throne for a while. Holy Crap! (literally)

I then made my lemonade drink. I was really thirsty after donating all the liquid in my digestive tract to the porcelain gods. I chugged it down and it was good. My stomach felt empty but I was not really hungry or anything. I think a lot of the eating I do is habitual. I eat while watching the TV. I snack if I am in the kitchen. At certain times of the day I just graze. That’s over for now. My Instagram and FB feeds are full of food. Looking at all that deliciousness isn’t bothering me yet. We will see how I feel in a few days.

So many people will give you their two cents about it.

DAY THREE  200 lbs

Supposedly the first three days are the worst but I am doing fine. I keep wanting to get up and grab something to eat but it is because of habit not because I am suffering. I woke up early and had my sea salt drink. It hit me hard and I barely made it to the bathroom. If cleaning out your intestines is good for you then I am He-Man! I had a giant glass of the lemonade drink around  lunchtime and I am cruising along. I was hoping I would be down more than a pound since yesterday but that is that. I read that the more of the drink you drink the better the benefits. Also the most you can take of the Cayenne pepper the better so my next drink is going to be huge and spicy. Let’s see how much of this I can fit into myself today. The drink is still delicious to me and the laxative tea at night is actually good too. 

Most people probably want to stay away from seeing pictures of food when they’re doing this but for me that’s not the case. I have actually been enjoying planning out healthy and vegetable friendly meals for the future. This will all be for nothing if I make it to ten days then proceed to shove burgers and pizza down my throat and go right back to where I started. 

DAY FOUR 200 lbs

What? I didn’t lose any weight? WTF! I don’t understand. If I am going to do this the deal is I have to at the very least end up skinnier. Well. Not much else to report. I could make a list of all the things I didn’t eat but that would be infinite. I DID drink a gallon of the lemonade mixture and a quart of salt water but apparently I just have to have faith in the process. Maybe I should drink two gallons. 

DAY FIVE 198 lbs

OK. I guess maybe the Cleanse Gods were just fu**ing with me. I lost a few pounds. My personal opinion is that the sea salt water drink must have flushed out a few vital organs because I haven’t had any food for five days. I have no idea what must be coming out the posterior end of me but holy cow, once you drink this you have to RUN to the bathroom. Anyone who ever had a colonoscopy knows the feeling. That drink they give you does the exact same thing but for me this is every morning. If you haven’t had one yet, now you have something to look forward to. (you’re welcome)

I have to admit, I am thinking about food a lot now. The good thing about being seriously hungry is that anything sounds delicious. A pine cone dipped in honey would have me salivating right now. Actually just typing that has me salivating. I had a dream last night that I lived in a fully stocked refrigerator. I slept next to the cheese. I actually ate a lemon last night and loved every sour delectable bite. I figured I was just going to squeeze it anyway so what the heck.

After today I will be halfway to the end. Again, I am not suffering through this. I wish I could lose five pounds a day but clearly that is not going to happen. The main problem for me is psychologically. Being in the pandemic quarantine my time is made up of thinking about food 50% of the time and sex the other 50% of the time. My wife has made it clear that thinking about sex 100% of the time is probably a waste of my time so it is important to find other ways to occupy my time. My online business is one way. I have to say it is imperative to make a list of things you have procrastinated doing in advance, then do them. Being productive during this period of time can be habit forming. Or you can waste it begging for sex.

Stay away from Coffee

DAY SIX 196 lbs

I made the mistake of drinking a cup of black coffee yesterday at around 3pm. I guess caffeine on an empty stomach isn’t a good thing. I was up all night. There is nothing worse than laying in bed all night wanting to be asleep but being awake.

Except maybe not eating food for ten days. I lay there all night thinking about quesadilla recipes and which fruit I like best. I thought about where I would like to go on vacation when the pandemic is over.

For a good hour I was obsessing over the Pledge of Allegiance. I suddenly couldn’t remember it. In my I head I was like, “I pledge allegiance to the flag with liberty and justice for all.” No. That’s not it.  What was the middle part? I couldn’t remember. I was obsessing over it for way too long. I know that I knew it. My brain was just skipping that part. I kept thinking, “I pledge allegiance. I pledge allegiance. What comes next.” It was pretty insane. The next day I remembered.

So, note to self. Stick to the Master Cleanse. No caffeine. 

A Word about Cayenne Pepper

DAY SEVEN 196 lbs

I have to say. It is really annoying to get on the scale and see no movement. I am down ten pounds though so I got that going for me which is nice. I have a long way to go though before I would call this a huge success. If I end up at 185 then I would be satisfied. I am really missing food right now. I was on Instagram before looking at food pics which isn’t the dumbest thing I could do but is definitely close. I was considering putting rum into the drink but decided not to. I am not going to cheat. Although at this point being half in the bag would make it easier. Of course then my inhibitions would go away and I would rationalize that a lemon meringue pie would be the same thing as the lemon drink. 

DAY EIGHT 195.5 lbs

One thing I have realized after not eating for a week is that in order to not think about food I have to keep busy doing other things. During a pandemic when it is snowing outside though, that is easier said than done.

Writing this has helped a little but inevitably my mind seems to keep returning to food. The good news is, that when you are starving then anything sounds delicious. I have been thinking about vegetables a lot. I was looking up different recipes for eggplant. I never eat eggplant . I have no idea why eggplant popped into my head but now I am saving numerous recipes for Baba Ganoush and grilled eggplant. Also suddenly I have a cantaloupe obsession. Again, it’s been ten years at least since I had one but now I am planning where to get one, how to cut it, what bowl I will put it in, what else I can eat with it etc.

Very strange.

DAY NINE 195 lbs.

You know who is a genius? The person who invented Doritos. Think about it. Tortilla chips are already a perfect snack. They are delicious on their own but then you can dip them in salsa, you can make nachos with cheese on them, you can fill up a bathtub then eat your way through them while laying in them and more! So someone took this perfect snack and said, “How can we make this even better? I know! Put this orange nacho cheesy powder on them!” GENIUS! You can lick all the powder off then eat the chip. The options are endless. A Dorito chip is the perfect thing. I read somewhere that if you are lost in the woods and all you have is a bag of Doritos you can use them to start a fire! They are flammable and make good kindling! Try that with a pretzel! Oh but pretzels are also perfect in their own way. Maybe we can talk about pretzels tomorrow. 

DAY TEN 195lbs

This is it. The last day of the Master Cleanse and I really believe I have become a Master of the Master Cleanse. I have no idea why I didn’t lose any weight today. Maybe just thinking about snack food can cause you to not lose weight.

It is amazing that after doing the saltwater wash for all this time that anything is still coming out but something is. I don’t know how that’s possible. I will have to have a serious talk with my colon.

This last day is going to be tough. I am stockpiling healthy recipes. The bottom line is this is just the beginning. Why go through this if you are just going to go right back to bad habits and put the weight right back on? The answer is I am not. This is a reset. I am in it to win it as they say.

There is nothing worse than looking in the mirror and not liking what you see. Even squinting wasn’t working. I am glad I did it. There has been a psychological change as well as a physical one. Everything in life comes down to habits. I had very bad habits. Doing this for ten days has changed that. It really has. I am now used to going without. It actually feels 100% better than being stuffed with pizza or burgers. But am I glad it is over?

HELL YES!

DAY 11 194lbs.

I am taking it very slowly. You are supposed to eat nothing but orange juice all day today and slowly tomorrow start eating veggies. I am not doing that. It is over and we did it. 

(My wife did it with me.) Now we will be eating healthy. We look forward to it.

OBSERVATIONS:

Total Weight loss - 12 lbs.

I was having delusions of grandeur when I thought I would lose 20 pounds.

Lemonade with maple syrup and cayenne pepper is delicious. With rum I believe it would be more delicious. I believe there is a tiki drink in there waiting to be discovered.

Drinking a quart of sea salt water is really hard and never gets any easier.

The human body when deprived of food craves vegetables and fruits not Potato skins and pizza.

It is just as easy if not easier to be healthy as it is to eat crap every day. You can love food and still eat healthy. 

I would and will do it again. It is a good way to clean out your system and start over. I feel reenergized. My energy levels are up. My diet is on its way. I feel good. My goal weight is still almost 15 pounds away. I am going to get there and once the warm weather returns I plan on getting a lot more exercise. I had kind of an epiphany about three quarters of the way through this endeavor.

I asked myself what was more important. Was it feeling confident, looking my best, having energy and being healthy for my family and myself? Or was it more important to eat hamburgers on Monday, Steak tips on Tuesday, Pizza on Wednesday, Chinese food on Thursday just to momentarily feel satisfied and full? It is an easy choice. Almost too easy.

Without pausing and having this time to really reflect and decide what is important I may not have done it.

I am so glad I did.

If you have questions about the Master Cleanse or about anything at all feel free to message me or comment below.